Archive for the ‘Offend-A-Friend’ Category

Fine Lines

Posted: November 2, 2010 in Faux Tofu, Offend-A-Friend
School banner

Image via Wikipedia

There is a fine line for women today I think. You want to be sensitive, but not so vulnerable that you get walked all over. I’m one tough chica if I do say so myself. I will also admit that I am more cynical here. I am not this cold usually, I’m just quiet. I think it is because here–it’s only my thoughts and no one trying to correct me. I do not feign sympathy or empathy, I offer only my honesty. This is not to say that I am unfeeling, but you usually aren’t left second-guessing anything.

Faux Tofu on the other hand is not the same. She’s kind of weak. She doesn’t know when to stand up for herself and gives in easily to the whims of others. Her boyfriend, for instance, has had her on an emotional roller coaster for the past year, but she’s still with him. (What “guy” tell his girlfriend he’s 90% sure he wants to marry her? Leave the numbers to yourself.) She is also notorious for exuding sweet, sticky sympathy. However, it is really a selfish effort to make her well liked. How do I know this? Well, first there was that time that Faux Tofu and I went out to eat with another one of our gal pals. This gal has had marital strife for sometime. Her hubby, I would say–in all my Psychology undergrad expertise, is unstable. They are on the verge of divorce because he walked out on her and moved across the country before they completed their first year of marriage. Crazy right? Also a story for another time. At this dinner, Faux’s voice was dripping with a twinge of concern that I myself, as one of her besties, have never been showered with. It’s the kind that makes your cringe because it is just so insincere. Her whole voice is different!

She’s been playing these games again, but in the most bizarre and inappropriate ways. One of the guys that is at my old job with her recently suffered a tragedy. I am not going to go into it, but I am just going to outline some of these relationships. Iworked closely with this guy for about 2-2.5 years. In fact, when I left my job (on my own accord, woot!), I made sure that he was set to take over my position. Why? Because I knew he needed to move on and if I am not there, why not him? As much as I wanted to see the company suffer without me (and they kind of would), I wanted to see him have the opportunity to better himself. He also has a family. Let me clarify, the tragedy was a death in the family. Keep in mind that Faux Tofu really doesn’t have a relationship with him. He’s just that guy that I worked with that sits across the office in some cube. Tell me why, in his hour of need, is she texting him constantly letting him know that she is there. Good for you! You don’t have car to get out to the suburbs. Tell me, how on this green planet are you going to help him? You don’t even know him, leave him alone in this desperate hour! I guess it’s hard to convey here, without any details and I probably sound could. This incident happened a month ago and the gentleman returned to work today.

She and I gchat at work:

Faux: ps ABC is back today

me: ps k

Faux: I think he crushed my ribs when I hugged him!

me: that’s fantastic!

Really?! What am I supposed to say? Why are you telling me about this weird hug? Our other co-worker, I guess XYZ, agreed with me on this one. Maybe because he knows her? I also want to admit that most of my animosity towards her stems from my sheer anger that her boyfriend is such an idiot! XYZ also pointed out to me that he finds this amusing because she sits 20 feet from the CEO’s office and she’s often throwing little fits or swearing. It is all just very strange, but another line crossed perhaps.


Offense 1

Posted: October 28, 2010 in Faux Tofu, Jokers, Offend-A-Friend
vegan food pyramid adapted from recommendation...

Image via Wikipedia

Today I could not help but tell one of my besties that I had started a blog and that is why I was recently obsessed with new blogs at WordPress. Then I had to tell her that I didn’t want to share it with her. She understands ’cause I feel like she still uses her Xanga. I can’t journal anymore because I have too much to say and my hand gets tired. (Totally lame, totally aware.) I am literally not sharing this with anyone I personally know right now. She’s a bestie, so why wouldn’t I? I know for a fact that I will, at some point, probably recount some story about her boyfriend. I don’t want to go into it now, but he’s a fake vegan for starters. He eats tamales…they are made with lard. I think that’s…opposite of vegan. Thus, I shall dub them Faux Tofu.

I’ll recount a different story instead. Most of my friends are married, but I have one couple that drives me nuts sometimes. At the same time, the incidents are usually so stupid it makes me laugh. I hereby dub thee…Jokers! My gal pal and I went to the Big City and stayed the weekend for some girl time. We shopped…mostly through the window (Oooh, Chanel!). We stayed at the Embassy Suites (ick) overnight. Not even kidding, we rode the train (for a whopping 60 minutes) and took a cab to the hotel (probably 15 minutes). Keep in mind through this that her husband drove us to the station. We go through the check-in process. [pause]

SHORTER STORY: This friend never believes me. I go on trips and stay in hotels at least every 2-3 months. I stay in a hotel no less than 6 weekends a year. Why, for the love of all that is good, she won’t believe me when she stays in a hotel once a year–I don’t know. I told her we could leave our bags with the bellhop if we arrived too early, we just needed to tip. She calls me a week later to tell me I was right; she had called the hotel. At least she admitted I was right.

[play] We ride the elevator up to the fourth floor. We walk into our semi-smelly room with poor lighting that has a window view of the parking deck. She sets her bags down on the bed and announces that she misses her husband! No way. That is where I do not relate. I think when I do get in a relationship…I don’t think that is going to be me. No way!