Friend Glossary

Just Between Friends

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Jokers-this refers to two friends of mine who got married. I was the link that connected them originally. They were each, independently, my friends before they knew each other. I really do love them and they are some of my closest friends. I usually relate to them the most, but not when it comes to work or relationships. Mainly we relate on politics, values and etiquette (outside of work). They fight over the FUNNIEST things, so I call them the Jokers.

Faux Tofu-This is my hippie friend from college. I love her, but we couldn’t be more different. She has no sense of fashion and comes up with the weirdest outfits. I wash my hair everyday…she’s on a different rotation (we both have curly hair). I think she might be a socialist, but I am not sure. She’s dating a guy I can’t stand. I think he’s basically another female–just no one’s proven he’s got a…you know what. He’s also faux vegan. He eats things with eggs, gelatin and lard in them (cake & tamales & jello). One of my other gal pals and I refer to him as “enlightened.” Tone dripping in sarcasm. He’s one of those people who speaks slowly, over exaggerates pauses and just pauses a lot when talking–all under the pretext that’s he intelligent. Meanwhile, I think he’s a haphazard idiot. Neither one has a concept of “punctual” and they will both cancel on you in a heartbeat for a better offer. Fancy themselves as artistic.

Clingon 5-A co-dependent who refers to her spouse as “My Husband.” If she refers to him by name, there is an “ie” on the end. Loves being the center of attention. No concept of time. Has an ill-trained child. He’s adorable and spunky, but I would never let him in my house without a harness. He’s been known to throw chewed-up Oreos at the wall and color on every surface within his toddler reach with pen or crayon.

ObsessedShe is married, finally, and we will call her husband “Knucklehead.” We probably won’t hear much about him. He’s cool, but if I am giving out code names–that’s probably what it will be. However, Obsessed gives me some pretty good writing material. I am calling her this because she has another mutual friend of ours on a pedestal. She regales her as the fashion expert (she is not) and the ultimate female (maybe). It’s always about how pretty she is and she did this and Obsessed is going shopping with her. The obsession is disgusting, but it’s there. Previous obsession was marriage, now she’s moved on to babies…

XYZ-This is my ex-co-worker who also happens to be a dude! He’s ornery most of the time, but usually we share the same logic. If I am on the same page as someone, it’s him!

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